Mid-August 2021, I was embarking on new journeys left and right; getting in shape, reading all the books I have lined up to read, seriously improving my bass guitar technique, studying French, cleaning out the clutter, to name a few journeys. And then I found a lump under my arm.
The picture I sent the doctor.
It was hard to deny. I remember I was doing push-ups and the lump got in the way. "This ain't right," I thought. My husband, Thomas, said I should get it checked and good thing I did.
"Cherry, it's bad. It's cancer. You need to come in for more labs and set up an appointment with an oncologist..." I think my doctor was more emotional than I was, and she was probably wondering if I was registering this. "I'm out with my son," I said, to let her know why I wasn't reacting. My son was curious about a clock tower off the freeway, so that day, we decided to check it out together. Now every time I pass that clock tower, I remember that's where I found out.
Everything after this point happened pretty fast. I met with the oncologist, and he informed me that I had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, a blood cancer. He told me that I would be getting 6 rounds of a chemotherapy called RCHOP every three weeks. And then he told me the hardest thing to hear for a long hair enthusiast as myself....I would be losing my hair.
"Will I be able to dance? Will I be able to play guitar?" I asked, thinking of the next couple of things I might not be able to do. As you can see, I was clueless. "Oh, yes. Don't worry. You are going to be fine," he assured me. He was very optimistic. I figured if he wasn't that worried, perhaps I shouldn't be, too. Perhaps I was over-reacting to losing my hair, though I was thinking that it's something you can't hide. I also have lupus, but that's not given away just by looking at me. I don't have to talk about that. I actually have to tell people this is happening to me.
In this whirlwind of chemo treatments and hair loss, I truly have entered a new world. First of all, I didn't realize how wonderfully caring and generous my family and friends are. As soon as I was able to break the news, I have heard from so many people. Some people made time to visit me, some people gave gifts, some people called, and some people sent me things in the mail. I get messaged by people checking up on me quite often. It has been a lesson in kindness and gratitude. I often think to myself, "I thought I was nice, but my peeps are super nice!" I didn't realize that I needed to grow my heart just like the Grinch.
Now that I am bald, I follow a few bald ladies on Instagram who model wigs, most of whom have alopecia, I have started my own collection of wigs, some long, some short, some brunette, some blonde, mostly wavy or curly. I actually prefer to just be "au naturale" but it's Fall/Winter here in San Diego. It's cold, especially in the early morning and evening. I had no idea how cold it was without hair on top of my head....it's minty cold up there. So, I wear a variety of knit hats as well.
I still get shocked when I first look in the mirror. At first, I used to get what I call "phantom hair" moments, where I would think to myself, "I need to take my hair out of my hair clip.....oh wait, I have no hair." I became super insecure, because I psychologically depended on my hair to be attractive. That was the part of me that was the most beautiful, I believed. Now, I have learned that some people like me better bald. I have been asked to participate in an art project (details to be revealed at a later date, picture above is a clue). I get compliments on the shape of my head and how they "couldn't pull that look off." (However, you don't know until you try it!) And my husband has not wavered one bit on how he looks at me. That's probably the main reason why I forget sometimes that I am bald.
As far as chemotherapy, it seems that RCHOP has been a tried and true recipe for at least 20 years, according to my oncologist. Knowing that I would be sitting in a recliner for 4-5 hours, I used to bring a rolling suitcase filled with books and activities. For all my treatments thus far, Benadryl is the first ingredient that flows through my veins, and I am out for most of the time I am there. I don't even bring food anymore, as my sister drives me and we eat before and after. My oncologist said that the worst days would be a couple of days after, however, I think the prednisone they prescribe for 5 days after treatment has made those days bearable. It's after the prednisone runs out that I start to worry. My worst days are 7-10 days after. I get a little more nauseated and tired. I never post about those days on social media, probably because I rest a lot during that time. And math and details? Please don't ask me to calculate or remember these things accurately. Chemo brain is real. I do eat pretty healthy when I have an appetite and take a combination of supplements I believe has helped me get through each treatment.
People praise me as being strong, beautiful (even though bald), and able to beat this. The truth is that I hang on to every prayer that everyone is praying for me. The one thing about non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is the high probability of an end date. My hopefully last treatment is next Tuesday. Three weeks after that, with your prayers and God's grace, The Long Hair Quest will be ON again! 🙏🏽❤️
